I Should’ve Gone

I should've gone to see you that night. I think that will haunt me for the rest of my life. It would've haunted me more, however, if I lost you. I guess I did though, right? All that and I lost you anyway.

I have these nightmares. It's always the same. You're in a hospital bed, and the only lights seem to be directly over your bed. And they're fluorescent. There's tall glass walls surrounding you, and everything else in the building is dark. Someone called me, and I can't bring myself to walk in your hospital room. You're unconscious, of course. Lying there dying, innocent. I'm frantically trying to remember the last words I spoke to you. The others start arriving. Then I notice your mother is in the room with you. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if I can face her. This shouldn't be about me, but of course it is. That's how it always is with me. Selfish bitch.

I'm numb. I don't know anything. How you got this way. If you'll ever wake up.

In this nightmare, it always ends in tears. Mine, your mother's, everyone. She's screaming at me through her tears, "How could you let this happen? I tried to tell you, I came to you for help". I say nothing, she's right.

It's always the same dream. I don't know that it will ever stop. I know you're alive and well now, I check your social media ever so often. I do this in private of course, no one could ever know that I still think about you, let alone check up on you. It looks like you're happy. You're smiling in every picture. You don't look strung out. Then again, you always were good at hiding things.

I'm of course glad I didn't have to experience the trauma of burying you, but what hurts so damn much is that I had you, and I lost you anyway. We finally did it, we finally said we would love each other to the end, I finally trusted you enough. Then you left me alone anyway. It almost felt like you planned it. You hurt me in ways I didn't think were possible. You were the one person who I thought could never ever leave me like that. You could never hurt me. But you did. You've made your point.

And in the back of my mind, I think it's because I never came to visit you that night.